I'm meant to be doing an essay right now but I just cleaned and organised the whole room and then spent 40 minutes on tumblr and now I'm just sitting on Patrick's bed thinking about YouTube. YouTube for me is something I do mainly for the social aspect, the attention and the satisfaction of actually finishing something.
Similarly to how I always say there's a big difference between liking yourself and thinking you're better than other people, I think there's also a big difference between doing something solely to get attention and enjoying the attention you get for doing things you like to do anyway. I'm an only child, I did drama and music and public speaking all through school, plus I like me, so putting myself on the internet just livin' ma lyf was a pretty logical progression. I genuinely really enjoy the process of planning, filming, editing and posting videos. I like being creative and I like getting feedback. However, that's about as deep as it goes for me really, and I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't think there's any real drive behind what I do in terms of a message I'm trying to get across or anything like that. I don't see it as somewhere to put amazing pieces of art or try and make a difference to the way people think about shit, I just like making stuff and I like positive attention and I especially like the people I've met through doing all of this.
If I hadn't started YouTube I never would have met Sammy, which means I never would have met MC, and if I hadn't met MC I wouldn't have met everyone else, including Patrick. That's the biggen. If I hadn't made videos I wouldn't have met Patrick and that's so weird to think about. It's also weird to think about not knowing Ray or Jackson or George, or anyone else that started out as a youtube friend and now is just someone that I know and hang out with in real life. I can go to London now without having to pay for hotels. That is baller.
ANYWAY, my whole point is that making videos for me is just something that happens to fit nicely with my skill set and personality, and even if it doesn't end up necessarily helping me to get anywhere in the real world it's still something I enjoy. However, there are times where it can feel really draining. At the moment I've kind of lost focus and motivation, partially because of everything that's been going on in my life lately, and partially because I stopped actually properly putting effort into it. Making any video takes effort, but it's a lot more rewarding when you know you've actually made something good, and I think that sometimes when you feel as though you're expected to produce something by a certain time it's a lot easier to half-ass it and put up something that's alright, but not nearly as good as it could be if you properly put some work into it.
Pretty much everyone I know in real life knows about my channel, like I've had chats with guys I knew from highschool about it in the middle of a club. I was literally voted most likely to get famous on YouTube at school a year before I even made my channel (also second most likely to be famous overall, still waitin' for the breakthrough guyz. Fingers crossed.), so it's not exactly something that I feel like I need to hide. The thing is though, I've realised that I'm less inclined to bring it up lately, especially with people that I've just met or don't know that well, not because I don't want them to know I do it but because the things that they'd probably watch first aren't necessarily what I think best represents me or what I'm actually capable of. I don't mean that in a like 'oh my channel is going to go in a really important, deep and groundbreaking direction', just like, I want to make things that I've actually put effort into.
My personality in my videos is how I am in real life, but I also obviously have other sides like every normal person, and my change in mentality over the last couple of months has made me realise that I want to start to show those more as well. I'm at the point now where I want a bit of a fresh start, and I've changed so much not only over the past few months but also in general since I've had my channel, so I think that's what I'm going to do. Not in a dramatic way, like I'm not going to delete all my old videos and then film myself emerging from a giant sequinned chrysalis (although that is a sick idea, despite the mothy connotations), just like I want to make a video where I just talk about stuff and create a starting point to just get on with everything else, and then after that put proper effort into my videos and make what I feel like. Not that I don't already make what I want, but start to make them properly.
Idk guyz, idk. I'm trying really hard to not make this post sound intense, because I'm not in a serious mood at all and this isn't something I struggle with late at night, it genuinely is just what I'm thinking about at the moment and writing helps me to sort shit out. In other news, this morning I saw a picture of a puppy in a mailbox and PStrattz and I have decided we want it but not inside of a mailbox because it looked sad. And I ate too much sandwich just before and now I feel sick. Those are the other things on my mind, so maybe now we can understand why I chose to write about YouTube instead. Aiight, imma skidaddle. Baiiiii <3 x0
